i just accidentally did one of the worst most dogshittiest things i have ever done in my entire life. if total strangers and acquaintances have always underestimated how much of a caustic asshole i am, well there you go. i’m a stupid piece of shit
right after i did what i did one of my actively dying hospice patients took a huge, rusty smelling piss all over my pants so there is justice in the world
guys, u can’t live life hating
5:33 am • 22 September 2014
fav albums from the year you were born
1989: Spacemen 3—Playing With Fire
1990: Gang Starr—Step In The Arena
1991: My Bloody Valentine—Loveless
1992: Aphex Twin—Selected Ambient Works 85-92
1993: Nirvana—In Utero
1994: Notorious BIG—Ready To Die
1995: Raekwon—Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
1996: Cryptopsy—None So Vile
1997: Radiohead—OK Computer
2000: Electric Wizard—Dopethrone
2001: Fennesz—Endless Summer
2002: The Mountain Goats—All Hail West Texas
2003: Sun Kil Moon—Ghosts Of The Great Highway
2004: Arsis—A Celebration Of Guilt
2005: The Psychic Paramount—Gamelan Into The Mink Supernatural
2006: Tim Hecker—Harmony In Ultraviolet
2007: Panda Bear—Person Pitch
2008: Grouper—Dragging A Dead Deer Up A Hill
2009: Midori—Aratame Mashite, Hajime Mashite, Midori Desu
2010: Kanye West—My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
2011: Real Estate—Days
2012: Swans—The Seer
2013: Burial—Rival Dealer
2:20 am • 17 September 2014 • 1 note
i wrote this ridiculous, ornate post about being a hospital nurse for almost exactly six months and then my firefox decided to crash
anyway yeah two days ago i “celebrated” my six month anniversary of being employed at this hospital by sleeping for three hours and then going in for my second out of 3 nights on the floor. not a lot of people really remembered that it’s been six months; i had to remind two of my friends at the parking lot during an impromptu debriefing session at 7am in the cold (lol) after 14 hours in my unit. i mean of course the milestone ultimately means nothing but those kinds of things mean a lot to me. because that’s exactly what it is, a milestone, a goalpost, indication of significant passage of time etc. through this entire experience i’ve constantly felt like i’m a disposable spoke on the wheel of this lumbering, rusty, hopelessly dysfunctional machine and as the new graduates roll in i definitely feel more like a part of an endless cycle. however i think i’m too needy emotionally and my reasons for being here are getting clouded by stuff like this. i don’t even remember what i’m griping about anymore.
things are getting a bit better. most of my anxiety now is fear of a shitty assignment which i’ve been fairly lucky in since that one time i got 3 transfers BEFORE the shift even started. i know what my strengths and weaknesses are, i got a solid routine down (WHICH IS assess everyone between 6 to 8, start to give 9 o clocks at 8, chart assessments after meds, do as much as you can before that new admit comes, i&os and vitals at 4, give reports at 6, double check everything at 6:40, leave), i’ve found that night shift is the lesser of two evils, i like my main charge nurses, i know what to expect from a managerial standpoint. whether i’m making the kind of progress that’s expected of me i’m not certain but personally i think i’m doing okay. a few nights back our unit got totally slammed and the charge nurse went and asked me if i can handle two new admits in three hours in addition to managing three patients i already had. i got through them with no problem….but maybe it was because these two admits were the most uncomplicated patients i’ve ever encountered in this hospital. who knows.
i guess you can say i’ve warmed up to this area. i definitely feel lucky living in arcata. my apartment’s about a five minute walk from downtown and i went for a walk for the first time in a really long time and the town square has such a unique small-town charm to it during sunny afternoons. eureka seems so dreary by comparison and i’ve forgotten how strangely vibrant this place can be. this college student actually offered me $50 to buy my aphex twin sweatshirt, i felt really bad at the idea of ripping him off so i just told him to buy it for 20 bucks online.
i’ve found that coming home every couple of months cures my home-sickness, as brief as these trips have been. the most days i can have off consecutively without actually having to take vacation days is 8, and you can never have enough days off but i mean it definitely tides me over. i have 15 whole days off in january by using a week of time off. my planned vacation to hawaii got rejected but i guess this makes up for it. theoretically i can have like 4-6 of these in a given year so that’s something to look forward to. however one of the things i learned since i started working was that as much as nursing school made you think that the profession is very flexible with your scheduling, at least in this hospital and this unit, it’s the other way around. i’ve made peace with the fact that i’m not getting my birthday, christmas, and new year’s eve/day off. basically i fantasize about vacation days during my shifts =/
during the really terrible nights i think about how much longer i have to handle all this before i feel it’s the right time to leave this area for good. “18 more months, that’s only a year and a half, you’ll be in your mid 20’s and LA will be your oyster blahblahblah”. i set goals for myself before i leave: get a bachelor’s degree (or at the very least be close to getting one), have two solid years of experience under my belt, have at least 10K saved (ha!) and maybe get a car??? i got an oil change yesterday and the cool auto guy told me i had a torn cv belt on the passenger side and i might need major parts repaired but as of now i can drive around. what the fuck is a cv belt? when i got home i started thinking about what car i should get if repairs for this eclipse ever got too ridiculous and i’ve settled on a hybrid so quickly it kind of made me feel old. i love my eclipse so much and i’ve had it since high school and it’s gonna be tough to get rid of it but like, i never even gave it a name. maybe that’s what i’ll do when i finally give it away or sell it to a desperate college kid on craigslist or something. i’ll give my dying car a name.
3:52 pm • 5 September 2014
Too Odd-Pop For Dropbox: 1/2 Of 2014 Mixtape
this is my soundtrack for 2014 so far and i adore these songs and you should too
kacey musgraves—merry go round
lewis—cool night in paris
dirty beaches—lord knows best
aphex twin—alberto balsam
aphex twin—#1 (cliffs)
sky ferreira—everything is embarrassing
sexton blake—bette davis eyes
the xx—night time
songs: ohia—farewell transmission
the exploding hearts—modern kicks
elton john—tiny dancer
yo la tengo—nowhere near
yo la tengo—blue line swinger
fleeting joys—young girls fangs
stevie wonder—sir duke
david bowie—station to station
the flesh eaters—river of fever
the grace period—mod killer
sarah ozelle—the girl i wanna be (lol)
3:02 pm • 29 July 2014 • 1 note
more seminal junctures
the anxiety of waiting for work last week has been overwhelming. bad, heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach, breaking into an occasional cold sweat, taking deep breaths as the elevator sends me up to purgatory on earth. just hoping and pleading to my nonexistent god that my patients are stable and nice and that i won’t kill anyone or make any big mistakes by the time the shift is over.
don’t kill anyone or make any big mistakes by the time the shift is over.
my mantra sets the bar pretty low but as of right now, with five patients with their own sets of needs and concerns and histories and menial tasks, going above and beyond is an unrealistic expectation although it’s not from a lack of trying. four months into this and there’s still so much i don’t know. what the fuck did i learn in nursing school? when does everything start falling into place? am i ever gonna be good at starting IVs? how did i get here? what is that beautiful house? where does that highway go to? am i right, or am i wrong? my god, what have i done?
i’ve spent most of this year in the north coast and my terrific new grad program went by so quickly. it really eased me into the job which is a lot more conducive to learning and safe practice than the orientation-by-fire approach my previous job subjected me to. i learned so much while also realizing i have so much more to learn. i’ve been on my own for three weeks now and i’m kind of getting the hang of it from an organizational standpoint. the aspergers in me hates, loathes, despises getting my routine messed with and unfortunately that’s all this job is: expecting the unexpected and finding a way to get everything done in a timely manner. so i guess i’m learning to unexpect what i’m expecting and expect for unexpected things to happen.
so anyway that anxiety before work. i’m gonna be on the floor in six hours and i’m writing this as There’s A Riot Goin On is playing in neighbor-baiting volume and i think most of it is anticipatory. once i settle into a groove by the third hour most of it is alleviated. i don’t know why but this is the worst part of working the night shift for me. oh yeah did i mention i work nights and really like it? i think i was meant to work here. i’m lazy and i make more money in and it looks like i’m less likely to suffer from a nervous breakdown.
no matter how shitty this job gets i always have to remember to try and stay humble and count my blessings which sounds so stupid and cliche but it’s what keeps me grounded and you lose a certain sense of perspective when you’re living in perpetual stress and chaos. i am so eternally grateful for this job and i love being a nurse and i love the service i provide to people when they’re at the worst moments of their lives. i’m grateful for finally being able provide for myself and my family and being able to pay rent for two apartments and paying off debt on two maxed out credit cards and still have enough left over to eat whatever the hell i want or buy a record or two once in a while (or something equally ridiculous when i’m feeling sassy). i’m grateful for my superstar co-workers. i’m grateful for the truly awesome people i’ve met and became friends with up here and have become my support system and have successfully kept me from going insane. i’m grateful to be in my early 20’s and have a career i want to continue pursuing for the rest of my life. dude, what?
2:47 pm • 29 July 2014 • 1 note
visual representation of how much i’d like to think i’ve changed in the last six years. i graduated high school in 2008. i’m old lol
6:29 pm • 26 July 2014